Many of us have experienced grief, whether you lost a long-time family pet or someone who was very special. Experiencing grief is overwhelming and majority of us have gone through some form of grief. At the tender age of 7 I lost my best friend to an asthma attack and at age 28 I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer, others as well in between and after those two devastating losses. My life changed forever when my mom transitioned and seeing a future without my mother seemed unreal.
Many people are familiar with the 5 stages of grief which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These can present themselves at different times or even all at once.
For the first year or two I was autopilot mode which for me was putting my mother’s death in the back of my mind, staying in the denial part of the stages, it was much easier to feel like she was on vacation than no longer walking this earth. On a random day it hit me that she was not returning from the vacation that I wished that she was on, at that moment I felt like the world was sitting on my chest. My mother and I would speak every day after work, that was our time, we talked about everything. Driving home from work I would experience every stage of grief on my 45-minute ride home. Constant panic, mind racing, anxiety settling in my throat. This cannot be my everyday life; I would be joining my mother sooner than I wanted if I kept that behavior up.
When my mother was sick my focus was completely on her and now that she was gone, I had no clue of who I was, it was like I died the day she died and now being a kid asking who I want to be when I grow up. I was starting over without her, and it gave me panic. I wanted a change; it was becoming tiring feeling like I was having a heart attack every day on my way home.
Prayer has saved me on so many different levels. So many religions in the world but one thing is common which is prayer. God has blessed me and helped me throughout my grieving process becoming a blanket of safety and love and filling the hole I have in my heart that appeared once I learned that my mother no longer existed on this earth. Psalm 55:22 says for us to throw our burden on God, he will sustain us, and he will never allow the righteous to fall. I never blamed God for my mother’s death, he blessed me with my mom, and it was not God’s fault that my mother had cancer, it is just a part of life we all experience and it’s an awful part of life.
I came to remember a few books that I have read in the past and put some of their advice to use. One book that I think of often is one my mom gave me; I think she was preparing me for life without her and telling me how things will be after she is gone without having to physically tell me the book was The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. What I learned is that life has no choice but to move on after you’re gone even when it is scary to think about, so with the time we have left don’t sweat the small stuff, don’t add more stress than needed and appreciate the time that you do have. With that I trained myself to look at things in a certain perspective always looking at the positive side of things with so much negativity all around. Always reminding myself to see the positivity in all situations doesn’t give me much time to focus on the negative.
Another book that helped me a lot with obtaining my peace was a book called Success Through Stillness by Russell Simmons. Learning about meditation has been a life changer for me, it gives me much peace and calmness. My favorite part of the day is waking up early to have time to myself to pray and meditate. I started sacrificing my morning sleep to wake up early to have time to meditate before starting my day. Coming up with my mantra, “change your thoughts, change your world” has given me much peace. Sitting in a dark quiet room reciting my mantra helps me see that there is more past my sadness.
When at work I take 10–15 minutes to walk around the building which equals about to a mile, doing this helps clear my mind and puts my mind in a better space to get ready for work. I also lift weights, I put a lot of my frustration into lifting the weights. I am tense as the day goes on to the point where my shoulders at to my ears so with the weights, I can relax those muscles. I also do yoga from time to time. I used to pay for a class, but it got very costly, so I went on Amazon and purchased a mat that had the post popular positions on it. Doing yoga and adding some ankle weights really helps with my breathing because with my anxiety I can forget to breathe and with yoga you have no choice but to breathe and that also helps with the tension that lives rent free in my shoulders. With being tense all the time and most of that time not realizing I was tense I had to teach myself how to relax.
Being a couch potato, I never thought there would be a time when I did not know how to relax, but with prayer, changing my perspective, mediation, exercise and relaxing I am at peace.
There are times where depression may sneak in, and I experience all 5 stages again, but I had to understand that it is ok. Grief will be around as long as I am around. I will never stop loving, missing, and remembering all of those I have lost and even with my most devastating loss of my mom I am still here and trying to become more at peace with it all and to not let sadness rule my life.
What works for me may not work for you, it took me over two years after my mother’s death to start therapy. I know a few friends and family who started therapy right after their loss. We all do what we think is best for our situation but remember that the situation also involves you and even with everything continuing your peace is what matters.
Start to think what it would take for you to develop peace despite grief lingering around. Take your time, jumping in and doing it all at once will only last for so long, then you’ll burn out and be back to just wallowing in your sadness, believe me I have done it so many times that I cannot count. I must tell and remind myself “Even when the steps are small you still get there”. Doing a little here and there peace starts settling inside me and it starts to stick. I begin to feel better and look better. I make sure that my 5 stages to peace always overshines the 5 stages of grief. Make an effort to come up with your 5 stages to your peace, even though grief may shine its head time to time its ok, you have loved and have been loved and will continue to love.
Success Through Stillness by Russell Simmons
The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
The yoga mat I use with 70 positions
